Left field.


I hope I’m a good friend. I listen.. remember their worries and try to remember pertinent dates so I can check how they are (after a dentist appt, on an anniversary.. ).. I contact friends when I think about them. I love to meet for coffee and a chat. I’m usually the one to suggest it. I hope my friends know how much I need them as much as they need me. Very rarely do I ever talk about how I’m feeling, what’s worrying me or the things that occupy my mind. I’m usually the smiling one..

But I’m not always feeling that way. Few people would actually expect the answer they’d get if they asked the question. And I suppose that’s why I say.. ‘Yes I’m grand thanks’. And that’s where it ends.

But it’s OK to say it’s tough. This being a mum yoke is hard work. I’m constantly torn between wishing them older and worrying I’ve not remembered all the good bits. It takes an especially strong person not to see the hard bits as a reflection on you. The more I know about the importance of early years, of those early relationships, bonds, trust.. the more I worry that I’m seriously messing up people’s lives here.. maybe Amy is not autistic. Maybe she’s got an attachment disorder… when you spend 118 days inside a glass box and your heart stops every time someone touches you, how could this not impact on how you form relationships? Indeed how could the wee scrap work out who to bond with as there were so many people far more instrumental than me in keeping her alive.

I’m straying into showing my emotional hand here.. but I’ve a big lump where that sits so I’m being cautious. Those who know me will know cautious is not me.. seat of the pants, last minute.. I work best under pressure.. cautious I am not.

Tonight has been hard. I’ll not go into that..but suffice to say my heart hurts. I keep trying to remember it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me. It doesn’t mean that. It doesn’t.

The most difficult part for me is not knowing what’s next. Just when I think I can watch eastenders in peace..bam.. there’s a meltdown and it came from left field. I was off guard and didn’t see it coming, I’m unprepared. im feeling selfish.. this is my time.. I deserve this peace and now this is going to take an hour to sort out*

*by sort out, I mean for things to get quieter. It’s never sorted out.

Parents of pre teens, please tell me how long does this last?

I need to rise above it, remember I’m an adult and that I’ve a big job to do. I’m raising adults. It takes a big person (ok..!)to see past what’s in front of them and play the long game and parenting is no different. I remember reading something so powerful about raising a strong willed child but when times are tough I forget it- it’s more important that we raise children to make informed decisions than to be obedient. (Doing as they are told sometimes would be good?). The point is that doing something because they’re told to do it creates a personality type that may indeed mean they could be easily overpowered, led astray, taken advantage of.  Its so hard to remember that I’m to empower them, not overpower them when I’m trying to get them to do sthg they won’t do!

I have 2 very different children. Both strong willed. I have no idea where that came from. At all. 😉

I’d like to add my daughters to my friends list. I’d like to be the friend to them that I hope I am to others. I hope they can see through how I interact with others how they should be with their friends. I hope that being the best person, friend, colleague, daughter that I can, they will learn by my example. Parenting 101.. I learn so much from them and literally every day they make me question something, which I believe is how you learn, through wonder.

I wonder..

Do they know how loved they are?

Do they know how proud I am of the simple things, not just the test marks, but the little selfless things they do, the maturity I see growing in them both, the people I see them becoming?

Do they know that I’d go without to give them experiences I want them to have?(i’m not going without pretty shoes.. that’s just taking it too far)

Do they know that they have the best dad?

Do they know how much I wish my dad knew them?

OK.. I’ve talked myself full circle. I’m doing OK.. im proud of them. They both have invisible gifts. Amy’s is a clinker actually..she can feel energy. Thats some gift.

Tonight was just a bump in the road; the road that will take them far. What am I talking about?.. it was only an hour.. it’s nothing really. I’m grand thanks. X

** thank you for listening.xx **


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